Pro Tip of the Day

PRO TIP: Many people do not know how to properly dispose of human waste. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT safe to flush turds down the toilet. When you’re done number-two-ing, carefully fish out each log. (SUB PRO TIP: Wear a pair of leather gloves to avoid dirtying your hands.) Place turds in a paper sack and seal tightly. Finally, construct a powerful catapult and hurl your caca into space. It’s good for you and it’s good for the environment.

PRO TIP: If you would like to know some interesting meta data about your MySQL database, check out the information_schema tables.  If this is not enough information for you, try mailing your government representative.  Maybe he can help.

PRO TIP: When converting from one string representation of a date to another string representation in PHP, use strtotime() in conjunction with date(). It’ll do in a pinch.

PRO TIP: When you are fired from your job (and you will be) it’s best to punch all of your co-workers in the ear, twice.  Once for general retribution and a second time for a free slice of pie.  You always get a free slice of pie on the second successful blow.

PRO TIP: You can use the Internet to look up facts and figures. For most efficient browsing, use as search engine such as Lycos or AltaVista.

PRO TIP: When eating at a Denny’s or IHOP, order an omelet.  When the omelet arrives, take your middle and index finger, and slide them into the end of the omelet. Leave the fingers in for about a minute.  Enjoy.

PRO TIP: If you want to have intercourse with your teenage girlfriend but she wants to stay a virgin, try oral sex, anal (butt) sex, or mammary intercourse. Those three don’t count.

PRO TIP: If you find yourself shitting blood, don’t panic, it’s probably just cancer. If, however, you shit an exact clone of yourself, lock it in your basement.  You’ll want to harvest his organs when the cancer spreads.

PRO TIP: If you ever kill someone, search his pockets for money afterward. You can use that money to buy goods and services later in the day.

PRO TIP: If you’re on your first date with a girl, try one of the following techniques to impress her:

1. In addition to paying for your meal and hers, order a third, unnecessary meal and casually throw it over your shoulder. This will make it look like you’re rich. If the waiter asks you why you did it, pretend it was an accident, then order a new meal and immediately do the same exact thing again.
2. Wear a sleeveless shirt. In the middle of dinner, while she’s telling you a story, pull out a dumbbell and start doing curls. Count out loud: “One!…Two!…Three!…” This will also help you be less bored by her boring story.
3. When you observe that she’s eaten enough, tell her to stop eating. This won’t impress her but it just has to be done. Those fat whores just don’t know when to stop stuffing their pie holes.