PRO TIP: If you have too much money, you can easily dispose of the money by slathering it in delicious barbecue sauce and feeding it to a dog.

PRO TIP: If your neighbor’s dog barks too much, feed it some poison. Pretty soon, no more barking.

PRO TIP: If you’re a centaur and you’d like to have sex with a mermaid but you can’t because mermaids don’t have vaginas, you can still have mammary intercourse with the mermaid for a relatively pleasurable experience.

PRO TIP: Next time someone asks you to “shoot” them an e-mail, “shoot” him in the face. (Either bullets or or cumshots are equally acceptable trajectories.)

PRO TIP: Many people do not know how to properly dispose of human waste. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT safe to flush turds down the toilet. When you’re done number-two-ing, carefully fish out each log. (SUB PRO TIP: Wear a pair of leather gloves to avoid dirtying your hands.) Place turds in a paper sack and seal tightly. Finally, construct a powerful catapult and hurl your caca into space. It’s good for you and it’s good for the environment.

PRO TIP: You can use the Internet to look up facts and figures. For most efficient browsing, use as search engine such as Lycos or AltaVista.

PRO TIP: If you want to have intercourse with your teenage girlfriend but she wants to stay a virgin, try oral sex, anal (butt) sex, or mammary intercourse. Those three don’t count.

PRO TIP: If you ever kill someone, search his pockets for money afterward. You can use that money to buy goods and services later in the day.

PRO TIP: If you’re on your first date with a girl, try one of the following techniques to impress her:

1. In addition to paying for your meal and hers, order a third, unnecessary meal and casually throw it over your shoulder. This will make it look like you’re rich. If the waiter asks you why you did it, pretend it was an accident, then order a new meal and immediately do the same exact thing again.
2. Wear a sleeveless shirt. In the middle of dinner, while she’s telling you a story, pull out a dumbbell and start doing curls. Count out loud: “One!…Two!…Three!…” This will also help you be less bored by her boring story.
3. When you observe that she’s eaten enough, tell her to stop eating. This won’t impress her but it just has to be done. Those fat whores just don’t know when to stop stuffing their pie holes.

PRO TIP: When you go on a camping trip, always carry a cooler full of snow and ice. That way, if you get attacked by a bear, you can just put some snow and ice on the bear and he will think it’s winter and he’ll start to hibernate.