PRO TIP: If you get your dick caught in a machine, don’t try to take your dick out and don’t go to the hospital. Just leave the machine attached to your dick so it looks like it’s part of your dick. When people ask you what’s wrong with your dick, tell them, “What do you mean what’s wrong with my dick? What does YOUR dick look like?” Then people with think you have a normal dick and something’s wrong with THEIR dick!

PRO TIP: To help solve the global warming problem, simply point your air conditioning unit outside for a couple days. If enough people do this, it will offset all the CO2 pumped into the atmosphere and we’ll be all set for the next few years. Another thing you can do is wait until exactly noon and jump down really hard on the ground. This will help push the earth away from the sun and make our problem solved as shit!