PRO TIP: If your neighbor’s dog barks too much, feed it some poison. Pretty soon, no more barking.

PRO TIP: If you’re a centaur and you’d like to have sex with a mermaid but you can’t because mermaids don’t have vaginas, you can still have mammary intercourse with the mermaid for a relatively pleasurable experience.

PRO TIP: When dealing with rival gangs the old adage “shoot first ask questions later” does not apply.  Often starting a gang war with a friendly “How are you today, sirs?” or “How about this weather we’ve been having?” lightens what can often be a tenuous mood and creates a more friendly atmosphere for bloodshed.  This advice also applies to police riots and involuntary manslaughter.

PRO TIP: Next time someone asks you to “shoot” them an e-mail, “shoot” him in the face. (Either bullets or or cumshots are equally acceptable trajectories.)

PRO TIP: Many people do not know how to properly dispose of human waste. Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT safe to flush turds down the toilet. When you’re done number-two-ing, carefully fish out each log. (SUB PRO TIP: Wear a pair of leather gloves to avoid dirtying your hands.) Place turds in a paper sack and seal tightly. Finally, construct a powerful catapult and hurl your caca into space. It’s good for you and it’s good for the environment.

PRO TIP: If you would like to know some interesting meta data about your MySQL database, check out the information_schema tables.  If this is not enough information for you, try mailing your government representative.  Maybe he can help.

PRO TIP: When converting from one string representation of a date to another string representation in PHP, use strtotime() in conjunction with date(). It’ll do in a pinch.

PRO TIP: When you are fired from your job (and you will be) it’s best to punch all of your co-workers in the ear, twice.  Once for general retribution and a second time for a free slice of pie.  You always get a free slice of pie on the second successful blow.

PRO TIP: You can use the Internet to look up facts and figures. For most efficient browsing, use as search engine such as Lycos or AltaVista.

PRO TIP: When eating at a Denny’s or IHOP, order an omelet.  When the omelet arrives, take your middle and index finger, and slide them into the end of the omelet. Leave the fingers in for about a minute.  Enjoy.