PRO TIP: If you want to have intercourse with your teenage girlfriend but she wants to stay a virgin, try oral sex, anal (butt) sex, or mammary intercourse. Those three don’t count.

PRO TIP: If you find yourself shitting blood, don’t panic, it’s probably just cancer. If, however, you shit an exact clone of yourself, lock it in your basement.  You’ll want to harvest his organs when the cancer spreads.

PRO TIP: If you ever kill someone, search his pockets for money afterward. You can use that money to buy goods and services later in the day.

PRO TIP: If you’re on your first date with a girl, try one of the following techniques to impress her:

1. In addition to paying for your meal and hers, order a third, unnecessary meal and casually throw it over your shoulder. This will make it look like you’re rich. If the waiter asks you why you did it, pretend it was an accident, then order a new meal and immediately do the same exact thing again.
2. Wear a sleeveless shirt. In the middle of dinner, while she’s telling you a story, pull out a dumbbell and start doing curls. Count out loud: “One!…Two!…Three!…” This will also help you be less bored by her boring story.
3. When you observe that she’s eaten enough, tell her to stop eating. This won’t impress her but it just has to be done. Those fat whores just don’t know when to stop stuffing their pie holes.

PRO TIP: When you go on a camping trip, always carry a cooler full of snow and ice. That way, if you get attacked by a bear, you can just put some snow and ice on the bear and he will think it’s winter and he’ll start to hibernate.

PRO TIP: If you make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then realize you’re not hungry, disassemble the sandwich and carefully scrape the peanut butter and jelly off of the bread. Put the peanut butter and jelly together in a mason jar and refrigerate.

Once you’ve done this enough times, you will have a jar of Goobers. Label the jar as such and return it to the grocery store for a full refund!

PRO TIP: To dispose of sensitive documents safely, tie them to a rock and deposit them into nearest lake. For additional safety, smear poopoo on documents to discourage potential data thieves.