Pro Tip of the Day

PRO TIP: If you have too much money, you can easily dispose of the money by slathering it in delicious barbecue sauce and feeding it to a dog.

Remember it is perfectly legal* to decapitate and/or disembowel any douchebag ahead of you at the Deli that holds up the line insisting that he smell the cheese they are to use on his sandwich, which he explains he has tried once before during his backpacking trip to Spain where the cheese was so stinky people “ran out of the place”. It is then certainly your civic duty to rid the world of this pest if, after they humor him with a small cheese sample, he then requests they cut the crust off the bread after toasting it because he and his girlfriend don’t like it “too crunchy”

(* not legal in some remote areas of Michigan and Guam)

PRO TIP: If you get your dick caught in a machine, don’t try to take your dick out and don’t go to the hospital. Just leave the machine attached to your dick so it looks like it’s part of your dick. When people ask you what’s wrong with your dick, tell them, “What do you mean what’s wrong with my dick? What does YOUR dick look like?” Then people with think you have a normal dick and something’s wrong with THEIR dick!

PRO TIP: To help solve the global warming problem, simply point your air conditioning unit outside for a couple days. If enough people do this, it will offset all the CO2 pumped into the atmosphere and we’ll be all set for the next few years. Another thing you can do is wait until exactly noon and jump down really hard on the ground. This will help push the earth away from the sun and make our problem solved as shit!

PRO TIP: If your neighbor’s dog barks too much, feed it some poison. Pretty soon, no more barking.

PRO TIP: If you’re a centaur and you’d like to have sex with a mermaid but you can’t because mermaids don’t have vaginas, you can still have mammary intercourse with the mermaid for a relatively pleasurable experience.

PRO TIP: When dealing with rival gangs the old adage “shoot first ask questions later” does not apply.  Often starting a gang war with a friendly “How are you today, sirs?” or “How about this weather we’ve been having?” lightens what can often be a tenuous mood and creates a more friendly atmosphere for bloodshed.  This advice also applies to police riots and involuntary manslaughter.

PRO TIP: Next time someone asks you to “shoot” them an e-mail, “shoot” him in the face. (Either bullets or or cumshots are equally acceptable trajectories.)